This update is long overdue and some of you have wondered if I would write again. I have decided to write today and I am not sure what is moving me to do so, but here it goes. The silence and writers block I have felt since Noah’s birthday is not something I completely understand, however silence can express many things. I have been apprehensive to write do to the feeling of just being redundant and not having much to say in regards to feeling better or different somehow since Noah passed away. I don’t feel different yet.

Some big changes have taken place for us since the last update. I got through my hip surgery and the recovery went well. We moved into a new home in July and that has been a big adjustment and more difficult than Zach or I realized it would be. We do like our new home and it is finally starting to feel like home and Aydin seems to have adjusted really well. We will all miss the other house, neighbors, and the memories it holds for us. Aydin started first grade and has been doing really well, he is really good at math. The start of first grade was a little rough at first. I think going from a Christian based, small private school to a big public school was a bit of a shocker for all of us. He also played soccer in the fall with his cousin and good friend. It was a good experience and he will play again in the spring, we are not sure if he will play baseball again or not. He is very interested in hip hop or break dancing lessons. I guess I better find a place for him to learn, not sure where that came from.

The holidays were again difficult without Noah here, but somehow we manage to get through them with mixed emotions of bliss and sorrow. It can be exhausting and I am not sure when that will change, but time will only tell. Noah loved the holidays so much and was so siked about every element of the holiday season almost at times to the extreme that the void is more prominent at those times. The only way to describe it into words that won’t give the feelings the justice they deserve is it is like walking around with part of your self missing. Noah is absent and that has left such an empty space in our family. We acknowledge him all the time and honor that he is and always will be a significant part of the family. We still put a stocking up for him at Christmas to represent him, he will always be a part of us and we still feel like a family of 4. I want to thank my good friends Cort & Ginger for remembering him; they bought a little Christmas present for Noah because she said they just couldn’t buy for all the kids and exclude him. She said, “They feel cheated that they don’t get to see him grow up with the rest of the kids”, that meant the world to me and I want her to know that. She wasn’t afraid to share that pain with me and I truly appreciate it.

As we approached the New Year I couldn’t help but reflect back on our lives and it is shocking that it’s been 3 years since Noah was with us. March 19th a date that I would rather forget, but really it is the time from the end of July to March 19th that is a time of great reflection because different dates and events remind us of the struggles Noah went through and the fight we put up to save our beautiful son. I can only hope that with each passing year those memories will not be so vivid and sharp on our minds and we can focus more on the good things that took place. 3 years is absolutely unbelievable to me because I didn’t think I could live another day not to mention how I managed to get out of bed and keep going. I have mornings more often than I care to count that I would just rather put the covers over my head and stay in bed, but something makes me get up. I have bigger things to accomplish in this life as a direct result of what happened to Noah. It is my dream to get Noah’s book published and in the children’s hospitals around the country. We have decided that this year we will go on a vacation and get away so we are not feeling so bad here at home and possibly have some good memories to associate with this time. Aydin turns 7 years old on the 24th and that blows me away as well and he deserves some good memories to be made instead of associating his birthday with his brother’s death.

He is so grown up and mature, he just lost his second tooth this afternoon. I want to share a recent experience Aydin and I shared while shopping for a Valentine to take to Noah’s grave. We were looking around for some garden stakes shaped as hearts and some of them had sayings on them like, “hug me” or “kiss me” and Aydin wanted to get one of those for Noah. I said maybe we shouldn’t get those since Noah is in heaven and can’t do those things and without skipping a beat he said, “Yes he can mommy we just can’t see him”. I was floored and of course humbled by his sweet take on the situation and I told him I agreed completely and was balling my eyes out in the aisle at hobby lobby. He looked at me with his sweet little face and hugged me; he ended up picking the one that said. “You warm my heart” and I again was so touched by his wonderful spirit. Children are so resilient and they know how to focus on the right things, we can all learn so much from kids. This is not what I wanted Aydin’s experience of having a sibling to be. They should be growing up together.

As tears stream down my face I realize that it is getting late and I need to go and get ready for the tooth fairy to visit tonight. Thank you all for the nice messages you write and continuing to visit the website. I want you all to know that I truly appreciate it. I hope to write again soon and I wish you all a happy spring.

Trish